The time,when you feel you are safe in comfort and solace in the world,something comes like a ball,a wrecking ball. It breaks you,shatters you until you’re no more. The feelings which emerge from beneath,to see how everybody just doubts you,everyday. How they misunderstand you all the time,how they don’t trust you.
You break down,emotionally and physically. You break down until all the adrenaline in your body is over.It kills to see how tiny little things can have a huge impact on your life,how they shape you and how they destruct you mercilessly. You are so drawn to closeness and sunshine that it kills to fall into the heap of darkness again. People label you,they talk behind your back but you still go on,like a recovering bud.
It kills to see how probably a month ago,you were living. You were living and not surviving like right now. Every wakeful moment of your day,once in a while you remember the awful thing that had happened.
Although a very tiny and useless things,it made an impact on you,a huge impact. It made you see the world with a different perspective. It reminds you how,you gave your thousand percent just to get nothing.
You still go on. You need to. It pains a lot,but you need to.
You need to snap out of the sadness and the depth of feeling you have for it. You still wait,wait for good things to happen.
You still wait,smiling once in a while when those memories come shining out from the morning-glory. All the good,sweet times. It just makes you smile,it makes you smile so hard on your stupidity. You laugh as if you never laughed before,you let out the suffocation you are feeling within and yet,we break down. To see,that you no longer are a part of their life,no longer anything to them. You just have their memories,their sweet,sweet memories.
Waiting is one of the most painful acts on this planet,Earth. Even when you sit there waiting for every thing to happen,like magic. Nothing actually does,this is life;bear with it.
You come home,tired and exhausted from day’s work. You come from your school,or from work or even from running errands,and you just throw away your belongings to sit peacefully,thinking out about what had happened on that particular day.
You take a bath,eat food which is to be cooked only by yourself because no one is there with you. You check your phone for missed calls,previous day’s messages,your social networking sites with a ray of hope that someone in this world is going to message you,to mark your presence. You wait for the message but all they do is just see your message and not reply.
You then scroll down through your feed only to see happy people singing along,two close friends posing,new wedding Galleria,a small girl who has achieved her first award,a small baby welcomed by her parents and you wonder how everything and everybody is going on with their life just fine and here you are,waiting for good things to happen.
You realize how alone you are and you can do nothing about it. More than the personal form of communication like before,people prefer to talk via internet which makes this whole process quite sad and depressing.
Not everybody is going to be happy,but you will,one day.
You suddenly feel lonely in an odd way that you are not able to express it. You cry yourself to sleep how everybody around you is prone to perfection and you are just a mess;a mistake.
You cry yourself to sleep that nobody is this whole wide world is there for you and you bear it,you still do. You then wipe your tears and put on a brave face. That is who you are.
Everything happens for a reason,my friend. But mostly,it doesn’t.
You are not alone. These mere messages and awkward social activity that make you feel sad is nothing compared to the emotional,physical trauma bored by everybody else in this universe.
You feel life is unfair,but it isn’t.
Here it is,to all the people with hopeless hoping,people who feel unwanted,people who feel ignored,people don’t receive any messages,people who feel they are slowly sinking in,people who yearn to talk to their loved ones,people who want to have a perfectly good life,you are not alone.You are not vulnerable.
Although you are bearing with a lot of grief and problems of your own since a specified time,you will be bestowed with good days.
You will be happy and accomplished one day. You will be an immaculate person with a perfect life.
The moon disappears once in a while,it still returns with all it’s might casting light during the night to anybody who needs it. Once in a while it is half,once broken and once it disappears and yet,it comes back.
You are much like a moon.
You will be blessed with happiness that everybody would envy one day. But you will be fine.
Until then,good night,you beautiful human.
“The people who were once the sole reason for you to rise high often subside themselves in the train of your life.
Sad how this goes on,isn’t it?”
Sometimes when people who were once the pillar of your sturdiness cut themselves out of your life and just dissipate ,like the ray of sunshine on a starry night.
How when you pass by,you don’t find anything but the ruins of the house you once breathed in with the neighborhood kids lurking around with sticks and stones to pass their dawn.
It is so soothing when one afternoon,far away from the roller-coaster of your thoughts,you are just seated in that vicinity of your ruined,old house and you remember all the good things that happened to you. How everybody were around you so often and now there is no one but your handbag and a pair of shoes to support you. You just remember all the good memories and you just want to give up all the bad days,just for a few good days of being free and unburdened with no decisions to be taken by yourselves. Everything has changed now,you are no longer the person you once were. Things have either become better or worse,but it doesn’t matter. You are bound with it.
When you are climbing the main step of your life,you have no one to cover your shadow,to stand behind you.
None of the people you once hoped to come all along to your death-bed,they are no longer beside you,to hold you when you break down. You have yourselves and those two beautiful people who created you.
Truth is,you are just not adapted to that sort of a change and you are crying your eyes out to not able to accept it. But you should,eventually.While going out,you’ll find someone congenial with whom you used to swim on a warm day or who hid with you inside of a fridge to protect yourselves from the evil demons. That one little kid you have seen all your life grow into someone so responsible and winsome. Everybody who were once a part of your life,a small one maybe,have grown into beautiful,responsible,immaculate young men and women are someone still residing on this planet Earth trying to do something while you are still stuck here with nothing but mere memories of everybody.
Seeing a small baby grow,witnessing changes in the world,seeing yourselves in the right direction ahead in the distant future. All these little things are a big part of your life.
You will be successful one day,like everyone else. You will be happy with someone.
All you have to do is,wait. Wait for it everyday. Try to make yourselves happy,even if you are alone.
Do not wait for oblivion to pass by.
You’ll be better,I promise.
These stars,they don’t communicate. They just shine,like the moon and the Sun or any other crusted galaxy. They don’t speak,only let you figure out.That is why they are called the stars,those tiny specs of light who change us. -Sheeba
Like how the stars were withheld due to gravity,it was possibly a reason,not an assumption.
Stars are these tiny specks of light which are a source of dissemination.
As they come into existence,they have a spark and a stance,to bring out the best in us.When you look up at the sky,you’d find the stars passing by. As a guidance,as a soul which never ceases to exist.These stars,that’s what they do.
A world full of hearts in a jar,there was no epitome of emotion that propelled people to hangout with humans unaware of their own age.Just like everyone else,you are gifted.Not with the ability of doing something well,but the flair of scrutinizing things around you Everything will fascinate you.
The Sun,extracting all the light of the night gave birth to these stars. Stars have no shape or size but they have a heart. A heart so huge and glistening,beating with all its might and sending out its electrifying vibes throughout the unalterable world.
Stars shape you. Stars break you. Stars burn you. Stars heal you.
These are just the holes to heaven,dragging you when you die. They push you with all their might to not give up.
Stars,so strong and so bright reflect the emotions within. They shine in vibrant colors each changing,blown by the breeze of the clock.
They redraw your borders when you are sulking inside the hole of self-doubt.
The way they creep out from the horizon just after the last glint of the sun’s heavy rays,makes you look like a Paladin of the Sun.So fervent with bundle loads of zeal.
But darling,you will be dead. One day,you will just be like the stars.
Learn to love everybody without the dominant bone hanging out in your body.
Only you will shine brighter than the world of Heaven. It is the only time when the star’s light themselves under the solace of strength. Your strength.
This time exactly two years ago,I received a phone call from you on the eve of my last pre-teen birthday. Things were so accurate and relatable then,but today I just see you passing away from me like there was never a story of joy between us.I had a rough start in terms of friendship. The first best friend I had made left me hanging on a tree and decided to hang on the trees of Kolkata. The second best friend that I had made pushed me out of the class like I was never her part of her life. As it when on,I felt alone. I had catrillion friends,but I was not a choice of anyone.
Then I met you. I started trusting people again,I trusted you more than Icarus loved the closeness of the sky.
One day,Icarus could not stand it any longer and tried flying too close to the sun. Sadly,he died.
Today I find you with another friend and my heart crumples to see you share your private jokes with someone else,the one that you always shared with me.
Everyday I try to check on you,to see that you are doing well. We might not be friends anymore,but you still are that congenial little girl I met few years ago. You might think I no longer care about us. Little did you know how every single day I endure this overwhelming grief knotting in my stomach. The books that once defined both us just lay there rotten under a pile of old books covered with dust. With the pages,even our friendship faded.
I do not know how to express this epitome of emotions. There were a lot of things left unsaid between us and as time flew by, most of these little were left unsaid that we barely spoke anything at all.
I miss you. I miss Us.
I do not know what to talk to you. Every single step reminds me of the time we climbed together. Every room that I pass by reminds me of the bizarre mistakes that we had committed.
I am not the person I was few years ago. I have changed. Situation has propelled me to change and I did. Next year,you will leave the school. Along with it,you’d burn all the memories we shared.
Mine would still lay afresh. I’m still there no matter where this never-ending breeze takes you.
It is funny how the people who were once together do not even know the meaning of togetherness anymore. It kills me whenever I see you walking away.
I cannot do anything. I cannot start it again. I have no strength in my veins to talk to you again.
All I want to say is,please do not stop befriending new people.
I was just a star in your universe,but you were my galaxy worth million stars. I’m merely a dot in your infinity but you are my never-ending paper of infinite memories.
Tomorrow,there would come a point in your life where you would not be a choice of anyone anymore.It would then remind you of that girl you spent your summer with.The girl you started your journey with but left her walking alone.
And even then,I am just a mile away. Call me and I would still come running to you.
“You were my sunshine,you were my darkness. You are not merely a star in this universe,you’re my glow of light inside of my heart.”
She sat there,looking high up at the sky.
Sometimes when there is a raging storm,your mind is muddled up with eerie space. That was what she was experiencing.
That quirky little kid,who once went to school with that sunshine smile on her face turned out to be an ice-cold human, heartless if anyone could describe.Nobody knew what made her feel that way.’Depression.’ she said but no one ever believed. She was thought to gain attention from everyone where all she wanted was to run away from it.
Among a crowd of two hundred people,she was never a choice of anyone.Neither first nor second. Just a mere aid to go to while in need. She was always muddled in thoughts which no one could fathom.
Addition of sadness,subtraction of hope,multiplication of self-doubt and division of happiness. Math reminded her of that.
When you are alone in this world,everyone consoles with a simple verbose statement of “Everything will be okay.”
They don’t just get the depth of feeling you’re sunk in.
As time passes,like everything has a saturation point,even she did.
She burst out,burst out like a volcano when it couldn’t take in anymore magma. That was it.
Almost every unnerving emotion seemed to stab her to such an extent that she just couldn’t hold it back anymore.
She tried hurting herself,her soul. She was alive,physically.But dead mentally.
This is what happens when you’re in a vicinity of taking in everything. Life is just so stubborn that it never listens to us. It is so annoying,mostly.
Had it not been for her parents and a hope for a better life,her ruins would be sown deep inside of the soil.
She was not herself. She turned out to be someone new.
Her anger was controlled and she starting standing up for herself. A girl who was once succumbed to self-doubt started becoming brave.
She concentrated on what was important to her. Things which were unimportant were burnt to ashes.
Time and again people said that you get everything in this world if you wish to. But no one said that you need a person to push you forward. A cycle needs a chain to move forward which is your determination but you also need two wheels so that it can move forward. That is who your friends and family are. No one in this sane world would put their neck into problem but you know who does? Your family and friends.
Your family is the probably the only group of people who support you,despite your insecurities.
They push you forward no matter how backward you are soaring.
Even if her family and friends were not there for her,she was there for herself and that mattered her the most.
“Love is not something wherein you receive a cute message from your boyfriend,girlfriend or even your best friend. Love is not something wherein you are cared by someone else so that you’d give them something in return. Love is not when you’re blooming because of someone else. The truest form love is only bestowed upon you by your parents. Those two humans who spend their lives for you. They’re selfless who’ve given up almost everything and you,are selfish.”
It all started on the day she opened her eyes. She found her Mother staring at her in awe like she was a specimen of the human kind. There was a congenial affinity,that gentle drop of happiness where you don’t want to harm her, a ray of hope that nothing is this world will mess with her and that there would be no demon within her. You hold that baby,joint with love,care and tenderness, as exquisite as a diamond. She was as soft as the feather,gently falling over the breeze.
As time passed she grew up into someone better,due to her genuine upbringing.She was introduced into this world like a small quill,unaware to flow in which direction but boy,she chose the right one.
And then she fell into that loop of teenage. Mother’s tender-loving-gentle daughter was no more. Her Daughter became a rebellious,vulgar teenager with all sorts of weirdness creeping in. It seemed as though a devil stole her wholly.Every day,Mother’s Daughter would come home late to home,bicker at every small thing,yet Mother never bothered to be strict,but cry to herself to sleep at night. Mother’s Daughter ceased to exist and instead,a devil pounced upon her and wobbled up that beautiful heart.
She’d score low marks,fall in trouble often,hurt herself with scars,and and doze more than a hibernating bear. These were some of the things Mother’s Daughter would indulge in doing most of time.
Every day seemed like a lifetime to the Daughter. Mother never knew why her Daughter was so callous and cold towards her.
As the days rode on the road,her Daughter stopped uttering words to her mother. The only words she uttered were the words of abuse,guilt and regret.
Daughter always commented her Mother on everything. There were inexplicable thoughts ruling that mind which were not expressed. Daughter hated her Mother and Mother cried because of her Daughter. Instead of being strict or angry,Mother tried to talk things out,to calm the tornado inside of her body.
Mother knew some demons invaded her mind and she wanted to calm them but the Daughter never looked at her for that sake.
Truth is,she was not depressed or sick of this world. She had really good friends,she was the flame that moth chased.
As time went on,Mother left her Daughter with her grandmother and left thinking she was the sole reason for her ill-behavior.
Mother did not know what happened to her daughter in the next five years,she traveled everywhere. She seemed to forget everything but the baby she embraced almost a lifetime ago. Mother did not forget about Daughter. Every single day she hoped her Daughter was in bloom.
She couldn’t conceal that emptiness and the depth of her void anymore and she returned to her Daughter.
She walked on the same pavement she left years ago. Everything seemed almost the same,except one thing.
When she entered into her abode,there was no noise. No noise of the clutter or her Daughter.
She walked towards her Daughter’s room only to find one chart with brazillion tiny letters for her Mother.There were pictures stuck in everyone corner of her Mother laughing,crying,proud,sad,depressed,excited and every emotion that existed. Mother’s heart was heavy with delight for the love expressed by her Daughter.
Just then Mother’s mother who was left in charge of her Daughter appeared out of nowhere. Her face deeply showed regret and intense pain. Fishing out a letter from her bag,she gave it to the Mother.
Mother slowly pronounced all the words in utter discontent.
It read, Dear Mother, Ever since I was a kid,you were my perfect example of happiness and attainment.I looked up to you every time I fell into a clutter of doubt. I was happy.You were happy.We were happy. One day while walking on the street,out of nowhere I became numb and landed with a hard thrust onto the ground. Upon visiting the doctor later,I rooted out I was suffering from a deadly disease.A lady who has given up so much for me,I couldn’t let her suffer. You were always in my heart not merely as a mother but as a person,despite the fact of being a single mother raised me to such an extent that no insane human wouldn’t be proud of your upbringing. Since the day I was born,you took care of me more than a mother does with that warm motherly feeling within you towards your baby. After knowing the fact of me suffering from a disease,I did not want to bother you and yes,I ended up parting with you so that the day after my heart no longer beats,you’d not cry in a way you would do,if you knew. For that,I wanted hatred to be poured in your heart towards me. Every single day bickering with you seemed like the biggest tree I’ve ever cut. Every single day of leaving you in tears seemed like killing my own gut to come back to you. If only mother, you would know through how much pain I’ve endured. Then,you left. My imperfectly perfect world broke into million pieces. Every day my mind proposed a question on your departure. My world full of roses with thorns turned out to be a barren land in need of everything. I missed you,mother. Grandma also doesn’t seem to know about my disease so I’m running away. I’ll run away as far as possible into a world where only I exist alone. I’m probably dead by the time you see this letter. What pains me is the fact of you giving your life up for me and in return,I never gave you anything. All I could say as,I’m a proud daughter of a brave mother. Live your life and don’t forget to shoot for the stars! Your daughter, Rosette Wakderg.
Mother after reading this broke down. This time she didn’t get up,she slept. An eternal sleep in search of her daughter.